RECAP: Orphan Black 3x08 - Precious Cinnamon Bun Too Pure

For those of you who don't get that reference in the title, I guess I just have to say that you clearly spend less time on the internet than I do and that's probably to your benefit. But for those of you who do understand the title of this recap, allow me to say that Crystal Goderich is undoubtedly the person that article had to be referring to and nothing can convince me otherwise.

Okay. On with the recap.

After the high stakes comedy that was last episode, with Helena and Sarah and Mrs. S squaring off in a cantina while Cosima and Alison played dual roles in a production of "Help I'm running for school trustee and also trying to make deals with drug lords", this episode was kind of a breather. In a good way. Just about everyone is back in Toronto now, with the whole family sort of regrouping and trying to figure out what to do next.

Castor is still alive and still a threat, but all of their leads went up in the explosion at the lab. Helena is a one-woman wrecking crew, sure, but she's also pregnant and they want to give her a break. And Cosima is smart and all, but she's a tiny bit distracted by how she's apparently still dying.

Actually, this episode could best be explained as everyone on the show dealing with their own distractions. Sarah is still in a weird mood over her vision of Beth and her belief that she "failed her", and Alison wants to help out but just has so much going on of her own. So it's pretty much left to Felix and Mrs. S and Donnie and Delphine, all the back bench players, to get us going again. Thankfully, they do.

First we have to figure out where to put everyone. Since Alison announced in her speech last episode that she didn't mind having family staying in her house, it's only fitting that this episode saw her hosting not just Gracie, but Helena too, much to Donnie's dismay. Like, he gets that they need to help out and that this is his wife's family. Donnie's been much more understanding about this than I think any of us predicted. But Helena is a terrifying Ukrainian assassin and he doesn't really want her around his kids.

Which is silly, because Helena is freaking great with kids. And Felix and Alison point this out to him. So that's how we end up with Helena playing with Gemma, making soap with Donnie and telling him how handsome he is (can't explain further, but it's gold), and generally inserting herself into Alison's life. She even wears Alison's clothes, because she has none of her own, and the cognitive dissonance is high. Oh, and we finally find out what is in that nitrogen container that Helena left in Felix's loft last season: her eggs. I guess she salvaged all of her frozen eggs from the Prolethean farm before she torched it. Smart.

Mostly, though, we can see this plotline as being a moment where Donnie and Alison realize how incredibly hard it is to hide their drugdealing when there are two very intelligent women staying in their house with them. Hijinks ensue. Also sweetness. Because Gracie is still conflicted about losing the baby, and she wants Helena's forgiveness. Helena gives it, and tells Gracie that she is will be "aunty to my baby." Which is so cute I need a minute.

Also, Donnie and Alison are still dealing with the thing where Jason kissed Alison at the school open house. Alison has been very open and up front about telling Donnie, but she seems to think it's not a big deal. Or she does before she calls Jason over to the shop to talk about it and he decides this is an invitation to kiss her some more. And while Alison will flirt with the idea of marital infidelity, she won't act on it any more, not since she and Donnie turned their miserable marriage into an actual real partnership.

So Donnie takes things into his own hands and it's the worst idea ever. He confronts Jason in the back room at Bubbles, tries to fight him, and fails miserably. Donnie gets the crap kicked out of him and ends up passed out on the floor, covered in bruises and cuts and generally wishing her were never born. Poor Donnie.

Meanwhile, back in civilization, everyone wants to find a way to cure Cosima and to figure out what the next step is against Castor, but no one is really talking to anyone else. Delphine is feeling the strain and you can tell how paranoid it's making her. She goes off to check on one of the few unaware clones left, Crystal Goderich, to see if she remembers much about being kidnapped by Castor, and she makes some vague threats at Rachel, but it's clear Delphine is at loose ends. No one is making a move and she needs them to make a move so she can react!

So, thankfully, someone makes a move. Rachel had stated that she could decode Duncan's book but that she would only do it if she could talk to Sarah. Well, Scott can make that happen. Under the pretense of playing Agricola, the weird board game, he and Rachel skype Sarah and set up a deal. Rachel will translate the book - the whole book - on the condition that Sarah helps get her out of DYAD and then out of the country. She can't do that as Rachel Duncan. She needs a new identity. A clean one.

And since Rachel is, as it happens, a clone, then one of her clone sisters will do. Specifically Crystal, who as the only self-unaware clone we know of is the only one who DYAD isn't looking for.

Sarah and Felix don't like it, but they agree. They'll help Rachel out in exchange for the answers they so desperately want. Which means that Sarah and Felix are off on a roadtrip to meet the most precious cinnamon bun, too pure for this world. 

I'm referring here to Crystal, who we quickly find is a genuinely beautiful human being. A little shallow and not particularly ambitious, but she's very kind and sweet. You may recall that her biggest trauma right now is that earlier in the season, Rudy and Seth tried to shove her into the back of a van (presumably to take her back to Castor headquarters for testing), and that they killed her monitor and made her miserable. Crystal is understandably still dealing with that, but since her "boyfriend" - monitor - is dead and she has no other close friends or family, she's mostly externally processing it out loud at work. Where she is a manicurist.

So Felix goes in for a manicure. He and Sarah are practiced hustlers, so all they really need to do is ask her a couple seemingly innocuous questions that will reveal the answers to her security questions and then steal her wallet. Felix does an American accent, lightly hits on her, and that should be that. Only it turns out to be way harder than that, because Crystal is a wonderful girl. Instead, it turns into Sarah and Felix covertly arguing over whether or not to tell Crystal the truth about herself.

It's not like Crystal doesn't wonder about things. She knows there's something weird going on but she can't put her finger on it. Why are her boyfriends basically on a two year rotation? Why were those guys after her in the first place? What the hell is going on?!

Felix doesn't tell her, though he wants to, because Sarah insists that it's genuinely much safer for Crystal not to know. And it's a really interesting turn around to see Sarah, who fought so hard to get the truth for herself, then turning around and deciding who deserves to know. I'm not sure if it's supposed to play like that, but there was something kind of weird and paternalistic in Sarah deciding that Crystal doesn't need the answers she so desperately wants.

At any rate, Felix does steal her wallet, but he lapses back into his real accent in order to also give Crystal some home truths. Namely that there is no one else in the world like her and she is special and wonderful just as she is. Crystal cries a little (so do we) and Felix hurries off to forget about how dirty he feels for scamming such a wonderful girl.

Meanwhile, back in Toronto, Cosima brings Shay into the lab to show her around, which immediately turns into Scott being awkward and Delphine appearing out of nowhere. But before she goes, Shay stumbles on their copy of the book, which means Cosima has to, as casually as she can, snatch it away again. Awkward.

Suspicious too, because when Scott goes home - and this is the first time we've seen his apartment  - he's not alone. Rudy is there. I mean, we knew from earlier in the episode that Rudy and Dr. Coady were still alive and evil, but it's a shock to the system to see him sitting in Scott's armchair, cuddling his cat.

Rudy threatens and wheedles and generally terrifies poor Scott, before straight up threatening the cat and demanding Scott turn over his copy of the book. Which he does, because Scott is not an idiot and has a healthy self-preservation instinct.

Of course this means that all hell breaks loose. Delphine is beyond furious that Cosima and Scott were doing all this behind her back and that they didn't even make copies of the book so now Castor has the only copy, while Sarah and Mrs. S and Felix are trying to figure out what to do. Only it turns out that this wasn't the only copy. Cosima made a copy because she's not dumb, so their plan with Rachel is still on. But first they have to sneak her out of DYAD, which means Cosima has to go distract Delphine.

The scene is hard, with Cosima resigning from DYAD and telling Delphine about her near death experience. It looks for a second like they'll reconcile, but then they don't. Too much has happened, and Cosima isn't sure she can trust Delphine anymore. And vice versa, honestly.

Rachel is sneaked out of DYAD and arrives at Mrs. S' house where she translates a whole page, but the page is basically a weird nursery rhyme, and then DYAD bursts in. It seems that Delphine really really really doesn't trust Scott and Cosima anymore and straight up planned for this eventuality. So the second book copy is confiscated by Dr. Nealon and Rachel collapses to the floor in a seizure. Crap.

Back at DYAD, Dr. Nealon tells Delphine that the stress was too much for Rachel and she's gone back into a coma. But then Rachel's eyes open and we see that this is not true. She's not even sick. Nope, it was all a ruse to get Rachel out of DYAD for good, with Delphine thinking she's still there. Dr. Nealon kidnapped poor Crystal and has her lying in a medically induced coma pretending to be Rachel, while Rachel gets a prosthetic eye and goes off to sow more evil.

Rachel is the worst.

And Delphine understandably fires Scott and Cosima for being pretty much the worst employees ever. She even gives Cosima a final blow by handing over the file on Shay, which reveals that sweet nice Shay used to be in the military. So she's probably the Castor mole. Well crap.

Finally, with the tiny bit of information they did get decoded, Sarah, Mrs. S, and Felix have the only real clue any of them can go on: the Castor original is in London, or at least came from London, so that's where they need to go. 

Man, things are really ramping up for the season finale. Why did I call this a slow episode?

Some cute and sweet, which we all need right now...