I Watch a Lot of Crappy Shows for You Guys, You Know That?

I'm just saying.

It may not surprise you to know this, but I watch a lot of television. I mean, a lot. Like, a seriously disturbing amount. Mostly I do it out of curiosity and a desire to be able to expand my knowledge of pop culture, then share it with all of you. 

You’re welcome.

What might surprise you, though, is how very much of what I watch does not actually get discussed here. It’s the stuff that I find dull, uninvolving, or just overall unremarkable. If it’s bad, I like to talk about why. If it’s good, then let’s praise it. If it’s just meh, though, what are you supposed to say? Good job, try better next time?

Well, that’s what I’m going to do here.

These are the shows I’ve watched that left me cold and didn’t give me enough to grab onto and write a full article. I’m not saying I won’t review them or discuss them later, but for now, this is where we are.

There are so many things I want to love here.

Primeval: Dinosaurs in modern London.

This is straight up a show that on premise alone I feel morally obligated to love. There are DINOSAURS running around LONDON. Factor in that it’s British television, and therefore I assume it should be better (which is mostly lies, but oh well), and that it features Andrew Lee Potts, who I adore from Alice, and I should totally be smitten by this.

But I’m not, and I haven’t the foggiest idea why.

It could be that the effects aren’t very good, but that’s never bothered me before. (I watched the early seasons of Supernatural, for crying out loud!) It could be that the premise is too hokey, but as I said above, it’s exactly the right kind of hokey for me.

When it comes down to it, I don’t really know why this show never captured me, but I have a guess: the characters. I don’t love them.

“What?” I hear you say. “It’s a show about dinosaurs! You don’t need to give a crap about characters to watch this! Just shut up and enjoy!” And I want to, but I can’t. There’s just not enough there as far as the writing of the character interactions goes, for me to commit to this show. The characters are all there, and bad traumatic stuff happens to them, but since I never invested in them in the first place, I don’t care, and I watch something else.

Sorry, show.

More of this, please. Less of the other stuff.

The Gates: Suburbia for werewolves, vampires, and witches.

Again, it totally seems like my jam. There’s some Stepford creepiness, mixed in with the casual almost-racism-but-not-quite, and the sheer idea of a housing community made up entirely of weird supernatural creatures.

I just couldn’t get into it, and in this case, I know exactly why. It was a soap. I hate soaps.

Revenge aside, I’m really not a fan of the rich world plagued by inner intrigue and scandal. Desperate Housewives bored the pants off me, and the idea of sitting around watching a bunch of werewolves and vampires play house, instead of eating each other, or roaming through the woods, or just being actual supernatural critters, it sucks.

If I watch a show with supernatural elements, there had better be some damn commitment to those elements. I do not need to see werewolves being jealous about their girlfriends. I watch Teen Wolf for that. I don’t need to see vampires worry about the adoption process. I think that’s obvious. What I want is a show that will go into the creepy with me, scare my pants off, and not freaking BORE me.

WHY WON'T YOU LET ME LOVE YOU?

Outcasts: Post-Earth apocalypse, the survivors try to make a new society on another planet.

I love sci-fi, I love apocalypses, and I love planetary travel. I am all over watching a show that navigates the waters of the post-Earth human race, and the idea that to build a free society, you have to pay a hefty price. Dystopias, moral questions, and space ships, these are all my jam.

However. I do not truck with creepy kids, stories that hinge on spousal abuse, bland acting, and blander writing.

I’m sorry. I couldn’t do it.

Actually, I take that back. I’m not sorry. Also, this show is totally a Battlestar Galactica ripoff. Now that’s a good show.

These are just a taste, too, of the many shows that I watch, hoping to gleam something useful to talk about on here. I do it all for you, dear readers. And because I like it.

So while sometimes this relentless searching will bear wonderful fruit in the vein of Teen Wolf and Prime Suspect and Caprica, most of the time I get these duds. I’m not sorry I do it, and I don’t plan to stop, I just thought you should know. Sometimes, they’re really not worth talking about.

What I'm saying is, you're welcome. Cash gifts are acceptable as offerings of gratitude, as are Hulu+ and Netflix subscriptions.